Being Selfish

For most of my life, I have been a people pleaser, a natural care-giver, a shoulder to lean on. I like to make others happy. I like to take care of others. It's kind of who I am. There's nothing wrong with that usually. In fact, the tender heart that I used to curse for making me a vulnerable target I now wear on my sleeve proudly, because, as I said, it's who I am, and I would rather be overly caring and vulnerable any day as opposed to being a callous, self-centered individual. And truth be told, it makes me happy to care about others.

There is, however, a virtual line that has to be drawn in the dirt. That point where one begins to focus so much on others' wants and needs that it begins to deter from their own happiness or fulfillment. You can't always put everyone's needs ahead of your own, and you can't focus on helping others in an attempt to hide from facing your own emotional baggage. I had reached such a point. I had managed to continuously stuff my own wants, needs and emotions into a dark space in the corner of a closet - hidden but not forgotten - choosing to focus on anything but me, and let me tell you friends, that's not a healthy place to be. Something had to give, because, as we all know, you can only shove so much stuff into a space before it overflows, and when it does you're left with a mess of anger, resentment and grief.

So, for the past few months, I have been doing a lot of work on me. No one else. And in order to tackle this huge mound of emotional junk, I had to employ a tactic I'm not so fond of - being selfish. I couldn't worry about who I thought might need me or what I could do to make others happy. I just had to focus on me. You see, decluttering your soul is a difficult task, but just like decluttering anything else in your life, it feels so good when you make progress. It takes time and courage to confront things that you should have dealt with a long time ago - to finally truly feel them and all the emotions that accompany them and then to make peace and let go. There's even a little sense of grief and loss as you let them go when you've held on to certain moments, certain emotions for so long, but I guess when something has been a part of who you are for so long, it makes sense to mourn it a little once it's gone. It's been a very personal process, because one of the hardest parts about all this is that you have to do it yourself. No one else can feel those emotions, or relive those moments or tell you how to react and feel. Don't get me wrong - a friend, family member or therapist can certainly listen and be there for you, but in the end it is up to you.

I'm still a work in progress. Aren't we all? I still have things I'm working through, but I have come so far, and am starting on the fun part now which is learning who I am without those bottled up things from the past. There's room in my life now to rebuild relationships and try new things - find out who I am when I'm not helping people with one hand while holding the full closet door closed with the other. And I feel like this is an instance where being selfish was a good thing. I would not want to be so egocentric all the time, but I have learned that there's nothing wrong with some self focus. I think it's a matter of finding that balance, and I'm on my way.